Embracing Vulnerability and Letting Go of Expectations: A Journey of Completing My First Book

I recently sent my first book to a publisher, taking the first step in launching it into the world—a moment that has been a lifelong dream in the making. The pride and overwhelming joy I felt when I hit "send" is something I can't quite put into words; it was as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. This moment wasn’t just about sending a manuscript; it was a tribute to my younger self—the little girl who dreamed of this moment from the time she first learned to write letters and string them into sentences—and to the woman I am today, who has worked tirelessly to heal, grow, and reach a place where I could finally put those words on paper and release them into the world, hoping they might resonate with others.

However, the journey has not been without its challenges. Just the other day, I found myself in a moment of panic, overwhelmed by fear and self-doubt. I called a friend and expressed my desire to burn the whole book and start over from scratch. Thankfully, she was able to talk me off that ledge, reminding me of the hard work and dedication I had put into this project. That conversation was pivotal, as it helped me regain some perspective and remember how far I had come.

Later, while talking to another friend, I revealed a deeper fear that had been gnawing at me: more than the fear of failing, I feared succeeding. With success comes a huge leap into vulnerability, and the thought of releasing this book into the world felt overwhelming. As a perfectionist, I had always been consumed by the fear of failure, but I realized my fear had shifted. I now feared the expectations that come with success. The idea of achieving my goals brought with it the belief that I must live up to these new, often self-imposed, standards. I spiraled into anxiety, convinced that if I couldn’t meet these expectations, I would fail and appear to be a complete fraud.

The truth is, these imaginary expectations don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I am the one imposing them on myself, setting the bar so high it feels impossible to reach. This creates panic, self-doubt, and the urge to sabotage my own efforts—even to the point of contemplating burning the entire manuscript.

Throughout this entire process, I have come to recognize that I have always been my own biggest critic and my most significant roadblock. This journey is teaching me what it looks like to embrace grace, to celebrate my achievements, and to allow things to be just as they are, without the weight of perfectionism hanging over my head. It’s a challenging process, but it is also one that is stretching me and helping me learn the delicate balance between letting perfection take the lead and knowing when to step back and enjoy the ride, no matter how messy and imperfect it may be.

At the end of the day, I did not write this book with the expectation of becoming the next New York Times bestseller. I wrote it, in part, for myself and my healing journey, and for even just one spouse to feel seen, validated, and understood. That alone is enough for me. The truth is, I have already succeeded because I completed the book. There is no failure involved in this endeavor; whatever comes next, I will embrace it wholeheartedly. I will show up authentically and vulnerably in the ways that I am able, allowing all else to fade into silent noise—those expectations I have created in my own head and those imposed by others will no longer hold power over me.

It feels incredibly liberating to articulate these thoughts and release them into the world, freeing them from the confines of my mind. I am immensely grateful for the friends who support me and don’t allow me to burn everything down when I start to spiral and self-sabotage out of fear.

Here’s to embracing whatever comes next and letting go of all the expectations, both those I have created in my own head and those set by others. I will take it one step at a time, putting one foot in front of the other, and keep moving forward while holding onto the pride I felt the moment I hit send. This journey is just beginning, and I am ready to face it with an open heart and an open mind.